Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize