Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
