she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
