i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My bed smells like the plague
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
