Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
