Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
