I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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