New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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