i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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