If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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