sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
