my vag is so smooth its legendary
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
