I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
