True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
