Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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