Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
