The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
