I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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