Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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