apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
