nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
