On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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