If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
