ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
