after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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