I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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