I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
