STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize