just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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