I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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