I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
