Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
