my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
