Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
