I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
