Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
