It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
