I met the friendliest cop last night
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
