it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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