sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
