i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
