I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
