o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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