the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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