I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
