So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
