Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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