dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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