I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
