Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
