I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
