ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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