He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
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It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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