3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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