My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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