Do you still have your period?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
