My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
