Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
