i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I die, sorry about rent.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
