Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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