I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
