I think I died a long time ago.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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