What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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