I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
