Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
